Like an arrow through...

Its not easy... It absolutely isn't... And yet everyone around me tells me its simple to get through, and in the course of time it will happen.

Well, its been a couple of months now and I still don't seem to feel better about it. The problem really arises when it comes to the mind, a ridiculously powerful tool that has a mind of its own. I can't seem to control it, I can't seem to make it stop and I can't seem to delete / erase the pain associated with it.

Why is it so hard for me and so easy for the other person? Turns out, that I was a lot more in love with her and a lot more committed to the relationship that she ever was. And that really is my problem, isn't it now? I don't know what it is about me that makes me establish such a deep connection to someone, that makes its hard on no one other than me.

Does my intuition fail me? Does it get blinded by this emotion called "Love", that I cannot see the obvious when it was staring me in my face all along. I will love the person, I will care for her & I will shower her with affection, but all the while forgetting that the one person who really needs to be loved is me. I put the person ahead of me and expect that she will understand.

What was I even thinking? I was never that important to her, that she could look beyond the issues that creeped up and try to make it work. Why was I the one who wanted it to work? Why was I the one who tried to make sure that every time something went wrong, I worked my way around it and made her happy. All this while forgetting that my favourite quote "It takes two hands to clap".

I was in love with her, madly in love with her without really looking at how much of it was reciprocated. Isn't that what love does to people? Different people have different outlooks to the word love. It takes time to build, it takes understanding to work & it takes effort to happen. It doesn't happen overnight & some say it takes years to happen. To each is own, is what I would say. It takes two hands to clap and most of the time when things got intense I was clapping my own hands.

Well, to me it didn't need a couple of years to happen. It happened in a couple of months. But then some would say it purely is infatuation, and even if that is what it was, it was intense from me to her. I called it "Love", I called it care & understanding. An understanding that pretty much took a whole lot of patience to comprehend. And I was absolutely at peace with the test it put me through. But then again, it has to be a two way channel right, you understand someone and she understands you. Till this day I really don't know if she understood me one bit. Claims & thoughts maybe one, but if you did understand someone, you would make an effort to oversee some of their flaws because you loved that person.

I am not perfect, I never will be & never expected perfection either. But sometimes love cannot oversee that for some people now, can it? Expectations set by others which really are just petty, but they cannot be overlooked for whatever reason. Reasons that were really just silly, reasons that came from misplaced fear & expectations.

The more I look at it, the more I realize that I was really just "a fool in love" waiting for that arrow to strike & when it did, it hurt, it created destruction & it messed with the emotion called "Love".

Anger, dislike & sorrow, those are the emotions that run though my veins now. Those are the emotions that are slowly filling that huge pool of love that once existed.