Like an arrow through...

Its not easy... It absolutely isn't... And yet everyone around me tells me its simple to get through, and in the course of time it will happen.

Well, its been a couple of months now and I still don't seem to feel better about it. The problem really arises when it comes to the mind, a ridiculously powerful tool that has a mind of its own. I can't seem to control it, I can't seem to make it stop and I can't seem to delete / erase the pain associated with it.

Why is it so hard for me and so easy for the other person? Turns out, that I was a lot more in love with her and a lot more committed to the relationship that she ever was. And that really is my problem, isn't it now? I don't know what it is about me that makes me establish such a deep connection to someone, that makes its hard on no one other than me.

Does my intuition fail me? Does it get blinded by this emotion called "Love", that I cannot see the obvious when it was staring me in my face all along. I will love the person, I will care for her & I will shower her with affection, but all the while forgetting that the one person who really needs to be loved is me. I put the person ahead of me and expect that she will understand.

What was I even thinking? I was never that important to her, that she could look beyond the issues that creeped up and try to make it work. Why was I the one who wanted it to work? Why was I the one who tried to make sure that every time something went wrong, I worked my way around it and made her happy. All this while forgetting that my favourite quote "It takes two hands to clap".

I was in love with her, madly in love with her without really looking at how much of it was reciprocated. Isn't that what love does to people? Different people have different outlooks to the word love. It takes time to build, it takes understanding to work & it takes effort to happen. It doesn't happen overnight & some say it takes years to happen. To each is own, is what I would say. It takes two hands to clap and most of the time when things got intense I was clapping my own hands.

Well, to me it didn't need a couple of years to happen. It happened in a couple of months. But then some would say it purely is infatuation, and even if that is what it was, it was intense from me to her. I called it "Love", I called it care & understanding. An understanding that pretty much took a whole lot of patience to comprehend. And I was absolutely at peace with the test it put me through. But then again, it has to be a two way channel right, you understand someone and she understands you. Till this day I really don't know if she understood me one bit. Claims & thoughts maybe one, but if you did understand someone, you would make an effort to oversee some of their flaws because you loved that person.

I am not perfect, I never will be & never expected perfection either. But sometimes love cannot oversee that for some people now, can it? Expectations set by others which really are just petty, but they cannot be overlooked for whatever reason. Reasons that were really just silly, reasons that came from misplaced fear & expectations.

The more I look at it, the more I realize that I was really just "a fool in love" waiting for that arrow to strike & when it did, it hurt, it created destruction & it messed with the emotion called "Love".

Anger, dislike & sorrow, those are the emotions that run though my veins now. Those are the emotions that are slowly filling that huge pool of love that once existed.

The Wedding Times!!

A certain family looks at a wedding as a means to meet up with all cousins, uncles, aunts and extended sides of family (some that have never been heard of until now). So there is a rather huge family of cousins who lived together in a bygone era in a super huge ansestral spook house who meet up and relive the glory days, and tell stories of all that was great and wrong. Maybe some even attempt to correct the wrongs as they believe time is a great healer. Others stay bitter on the inside and just smile at the irony of being in the presense of certain people around.

Entertainment galore for those of the much younger generation (read the present generation with no interest whatsoever in the family politics) in the form of these stories and subtle polictics one sees at play.

Then there are certain extremely opinionated uncles who believe that the present generation is all wrong. What's with the fashion sense, tattoos, hairstyles and idealists thoughts is what runs in their heads? Sometime ago (a year ago maybe) one youngster of the present generation, took his trip when questioned about the above. The result, the man won't even try to take a strike at the youngster again. Great, but others look upon it as disrespect.

The sheer contrast between the ideals and thought processes of different generations is phenomenal.

So when is the next meeting up of the family?? Maybe much later or next year, but wait there is another youngster in the line, so lets push him towards the thought of getting married next year so we can all meet up again and relive the glory days again!! What say we do it this time down south?? Young boy, we are at a wedding and there are so many eligible girls around, why are you sitting around when you should be mixing round with them and talking to them. Go dance, make yourself visible..

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Back from the DEAD??

A typical sunday over the last couple of years - sleep in till late, laze around, walk around the house half eyed, munch on something all day and end the day with beers!!

"Last couple of years??", that makes one feel so old and even more lethargic on thinking of the same.

So, what was different about the last sunday (10/10/10)??

A passion that died in the year 2008 (the year a beautiful not so old classic motorcycle was sold, Black Venom*) came back alive. 3 days before this, a plan hatched in the back of one particular "old mans**" head. He was alive with thoughtful energy, and all that energy pointed out to his not so new modern day premium commuter motorcycle#. A conversation that bought this out was the thought of taking the plunge and riding one's own motorcycle to Leh-Ladakh. Incidentally this same old man was to take the plunge on a hired classic motorcycle in the month of September 2010, but a schedule at his work place changed all those plans. Disappoint galore, and this old man, grew older when he learnt he couldn't go.

Flowing thoughts of what, when, where, how and why were all abuzz, bouncing in that brain of his at 160kmph*** and a decision was taken. Let it be done!! Let the premium commuter become more than just what it is, but yet retaining its originality, class and overall feel. But here is where the problem is, ideas were galore, but what was really needed and what wasn't was the bigger issue and picture here.

So another idea bounced at the same rate and out came a plan, a Sunday Morning Ride!! It had been ages since this old man had pulled his motorcycle out to go on a sunday morning ride and the thought of it also brought alive the minds of other old men around him. A head count (in this case, more like a motorcycle count) was taken, the idea was spread to those like minded other older men in the same circle. A route was hatched, a schedule was put in and there was a transformation that took place amongst all these old men. The old man inside was shed and emerged energetic young men who were ready to roll.

Irrespective of the super early hour wake up on this sunday, to getting out in the relatively cold weather (even during the beginning of October 2010) and missing out on the warm cozy sleep in late routine, this Sunday was different. 6 motorcycles with riders set off on a rather simple ride, some busy highway and then serene arterial roads that most people probably do not even know off was the route. Great breakfast along the way, awesome conversation all the way, a really peaceful water canal along the way and an even more peaceful larger water body at the end made the ride totally an amazing experience.

As trivial as it may sound, young men do turn into old men and the thought of doing something with passion sheds the old man on the inside and brings them back to life. Its not a thought but a fact that is so true..

Everyday mundane routines and work allow this to to happen to not only the "old man and his friends" referred to here, but people all around you and me!!

*Black Venom - Bullet Machismo 350 5S, that got her make over to a retro stylized classic motorcycle.

** Old Man - A metaphor describing my mental age that comes from various factors of everyday mundane life.

***160kmph - The metric equivalent to 100mph, otherwise in the classic motorcycle era referred to as the "Magic Ton"

#Premium commuter motorcycle - A motorcycle that really isn't your janata two wheeler commuter's motorcycle. A typical definition of any motorcycle in India with an engine displacement of 150cc.

A journey!! A reflection!!

During the month of May 2000, there was this phase where I did not know where I was going in life! No college admission, no part time job and no idea in life generally what, when, where and how!!

Then came along a small workshop I attended, and little did I realize it would lead me to where I am. Literally, as a professional and as an individual being. The workshop led to joining what was then a youth forum called "The Activity", which later on over the years developed into a full fledged company that did a lot of good work in the completely unorganized education sector to create a phenomenon called "Education beyond Curriculum".

5 years ago, when all my college mates were running helter-skelter getting their resumes ready and brushing up on their presentation skills, I was sitting outside at the 'adda' taking in a dose of nicotine and thinking to myself "bah, why should I bother, I already have a job. I was absorbed for a whole lot of reasons (one of them being the part time work and travel that I had done).

The job was fun, there was plenty of travel, plenty of learning and meeting new people. 3 years later the growth on the inside was phenomenal and soon I left behind a lot of people I thought I shared brainwaves with. The hunt for more meaningful conversations and people became important to me. Professionally I grew quite a bit as well, taking on responsibility, making sure I did my job (even if I did not like it or did not giving it 100%)

The year 2007 saw a downfall, I quit in the search for something more meaningful to do according to me. It was the year I made a lot of mistakes. From quitting with no plan in mind to loosing my individuality to something that was totally irrelevant at that point of time. But then a lot of us really think with our hearts more then our heads at times like that. 2007 - 08 led to the downfall of the individual, the professional. In a dire need of something meaningful to do, I started my own little unregistered company called "M I Concepts", the concept of bringing out simple products that would make everyday tasks a lot more fun and exciting. But when something as fragile as the heart breaks, it is a task to try and focus and pick up the pieces and quickly move on.

The possible thing to do was to find a job quick, any job that led to distraction and let life roll back onto its tracks. A meaningless job at a larger event management company. 8 months of forcing myself to work from the basic need of funds led to a lot of serious thinking. Finally on a warpath to want to do something in life, I set out to want to study. Wrong selection of course and wrong ideas in mind I almost gave away 3 years of my life to a college. Thankfully my uncle got me thinking, my mentor got me digging for information and conversations with people in the field led to me give up the idea and get back to doing what I loved doing the most, get back to working for the company that gave me my first jump in the professional world.

A few conversations over coffee with my mentor, friend and first employer I went back to what had transformed from "The Activity" to "EduMedia India Pvt. Ltd." into new role, with new responsibilities, economic requirements as per what I wanted and a team to work with that I had come to know a lot better over the years. There started a new journey again. This journey was marked onto me permanently with a tribute tattoo that took 2 months to design and quite some saving up on my part to put together.

A year later, a good appraisal, some great words and fantastic learnings, I come to realize I have grown as a person in the last 5.5 years with everything that happened - Good, Bad and Ugly. From a jumpy kid straight out of college to a decently composed, mature and responsible being, it has been a journey that I have taken and learnt a lot from. And my journey still continues to bring me more learning and a lot more reflections...

This too will pass!!

A very interesting phrase I came across over the last weekend as part of a training workshop I attended along with my colleagues from office. It was quite an intriguing workshop with a lot of learning on my end that took place at a subliminal level.

The phrase is even more intriguing, it doesn't say much but at the same time it says a whole lot. I have been on a positive energy streak ever since. But does that mean that it shall pass too?

Everything happens for a reason; money, people, joy, sorrow, excitement etc.. all come and go. Some in small phases and some that last really long. Hence anything that stays for however a long period of time, shall pass as well.

Something about the workshop has put me in the same mode "This too shall pass!!". "You live life only once, live it king size" is what most people would say. I say "You live life only once, live it one day at a time; for you don't know what is going to happen next and whatever happens next, you don't know how long its gonna last!!"

This too will pass!!

To BE or NOT to BE!!!

No, No, No.... Not that I just read something from Shakespeare.
You go thru the motions of life seamlessly until one day you wake up and realize something really really wonderful has happened to you. You live your life every single day just to keep that wonderful thing going and going. You give it everything you have, it grows on you day by day & month by month. And then as you go thru the motions of it seamlessly you realize that it is something you want for the rest of your life, it is something you know will keep you happy forever and ever.

Your world changes and revolves around it, everything you do is to keep the wonderful feeling going and going. You pretty much dedicate your life for it, your time is consumed by it, your dreams and visions are all to do with it. Ok, so it sounds looserish, but at the end of it all you are on top of the world, never felt better (at that point of time).

And then one day your wake up to find that for reasons beyond your control it has taken a turn in another direction. You try to steer the direction back towards you but doesn't work and eventually after all that you try to do, its lost. Your world shatters under your feet, you feel lost and hopeless. You think, wonder, cry, scream, curse and go into 'woe is me'.

You remain there for a couple of months unhappy with yourself, you try your level best not to think about it and wonder over and over again as to why, what, where and how. But each time you do, it pulls you back in further into 'woe is me'. But with every passing day the feeling of 'woe is me' reduces and you wake up happy one final day. It dawns upon you that 'Nothing in Life is Constant' and nothing in life comes with a guarantee. "Not even this wonderful feeling" called LOVE.

Life goes one and you follow the motions of it. You move on from one day to another living your life for yourself, being the person you once were and you realize you are happy all over again. But then there is always something missing. An empty space that just cannot fill itself, no matter how much friends and family say they love you.

That is when you start thinking to yourself "To BE or NOT to BE". Fill the space with "To BE" and wonder if all will be fine or whether you will once again fall as hard (and have to pick yourself up again) or "NOT to BE" and just live your life with the empty space (not having to worry about falling and picking yourself up again). But then, for how long?? You meet interesting people, people who find you and you find intriguing!!

BUT!! You think about the space and the question

"To BE or NOT to BE??"

Nothing in life is constant!!

Nothing in life is constant!!

Nothing in life is constant!!

Umm, yeah there is one thing in life that is constant and that would be me (you). Our sense of being alive, our sense of feeling joy/love, our sense of feeling pain/anguish/hatred and the sense of knowing that there is something happening to you all the time.

Life still goes on, passes you at a pace where you are either ride side by side or you just get left behind to pick up the pieces, most of the times pieces that you left behind. Some of us pick up these pieces in no time and catch up with life as she races on, and some of us take our own sweet time and yet want to lead the race.

Looking back a couple of months I realize I stopped my race with life, I was happy, content with all that happening around me. I started dropping pieces of my life all over the place. Work, family, friends, love & ambition all slowly one by one starting taking their turns to move ahead of me. First it was work, took the largest step ahead of me. I let it pass. Family stayed there constant with me occasionally leaping ahead but then for some reason I always caught on. Friends some dragged me along ahead, making sure I didn't get left behind eating dust. Love, she just walked on never even once looking back at me to see if I was wounded & in pain. Ambition jumped far far ahead after love never to look back but give me hope every now and then & assure me that she would still be in reach if I tried hard enough to reach out to her.

Nothing in life is constant!!
Nothing in life is constant!! Not even you (me) are constant at any level. No sense of being or feeling will ever remain constant.

Wrong!! If there was one thing constant for a reasonably long period of time, it was my sense of anguish & hatred. With me they were constant, keeping me company in my slow race in life. Little did I know, they were / are blocking my path, the path that would let me pick up the pieces of my life and stay in if not with the race of life.

Anguish & Hatred, take over all the other senses of my well being. Thoughts run thru my head like chaos in a terror stricken world. One by one, systems start falling out of place. Logic looses ground first, taking with it the power of reasoning. This one fall puts all other systems at risk. One by one they overload causing a serious breakdown of spirit and faith.

Nothing in life is Constant!!

Nothing in life is Constant!!

Nothing!!

And yet, we strive to keep up with the race out of fear of being left behind. We fight theses senses deep within giving life a finger in her face, telling her throw what you want at me, I will go down and yet will rise again to give you another one. Sometimes I may rise quicker than you may expect me to and sometimes I may rise at my own pace. But every time I rise, I will bring with me the one thing that will remind me of my fall and keep me going.

Something’s in life remind you of who you are, and teach you how to avoid getting lost in the race. They may leave their marks on you stronger than a flesh would till it heals, but these marks keep coming and going, keeping your sense of a struggle within going stronger and stronger day by day, making sure that if you fall you will find a way to keep your head in the race if not with it.

Something’s in life are CONSTANT!!